Building Your Resilience

When things invariably become challenging because that is what life is… bumps and swerves, we need to have reserves built up. We need to have a way to both navigate whatever difficulty has come up and we need to have a sense of confidence and resilience. A knowing that, whatever lies ahead, we can and will get through.

We can build our resilience up with two simple practices. The first practice allows us to see that there is space to operate from. That we do not have to get carried away or caught up. That our next thought or action is not inevitable.

We can learn to provide space within our difficult emotions, a gap within our seemingly endless mind stream.

How can we create this gap? By inserting a conscious gap within your day as a matter of routine.

In Thich Nhat Hanh’s Plum Village community, a bell rings every fifteen minutes. At that moment, everyone and everything comes to a stop.  It is a moment to practice conscious awareness.

You probably don’t have a bell ringer handy but you can follow a similar practice.  The Three Breaths Practice gives you a small, regular opportunity to create a gap in your experience. And to help regulate your mood.

Before you practice Three Breaths, you can take a quick scan of your current state.

Simply stop whatever it is you are doing at the moment.

The breath is a simple and very powerful tool that you can use whenever you need more space or awareness. When you practice the Three Breaths, you can also take note of what sort of breath you need in this moment. Maybe you are feeling stressed – make your exhale longer than your inhale. If you are feeling fear, deepening the inhale can be helpful. Or maybe you are feeling balanced and want to keep inhalations and exhalations of equal length.

You can close your eyes or not. And inhale quietly, paying complete attention to the breath as it begins in the lower body and rises up through the belly, the chest and into the throat. And then quietly exhale, allowing the breath to move out of the body.

By creating this gap in our experience again and again throughout the day, we can begin to see that there is more freedom and space available to us, even in difficult times.

How else might we strengthen our resilience?

By looking no further than within.

Consider the story of Theseus and the Minotaur.

The Minotaur as we remember, was the terrible bull monster buried deep below ground in a dark labyrinth. He demanded a human sacrifice of seven men and seven women each year. One year, the king’s son, Theseus, volunteered to go below ground as one of the sacrifices with the intent to kill the Minotaur.

Before embarking on his journey, Theseus met Princess Ariadne and they fell in love. The Princess decided she would help Theseus and gave him a thread with the instruction to unspool the thread as he made his way through the labyrinth so that he could return home safely.

We can think of this story in relationship to what allows us to face our fears and keeps us going in our darkest times. When we are lost and confused and don’t know what lurks around that dark corner, we can hold onto our thread.

Take a moment now to consider your strengths. In the past when you have faced difficulties what qualities have you brought to bear; what core beliefs and values have carried you through? You can articulate these strengths for yourself.

Now imagine those words becoming your thread and spin them into a beautiful golden thread. You can bring this golden thread up from the souls of your feet through your legs up into your center. Allow the golden thread to rise up your spine all the way to the back of your skull.

This powerful, unbreakable thread runs through you.

And rest in the understanding that you have this tool within you. It is always there. It is an integral part of you.

5 Simple Steps to Boost Your 6th Sense: Intuition

We are sense creatures, most of us reacting to our environment through the input of all five senses – seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling. Each of these senses combines to provide us with our perception of the world around us. From this perceptive “reality”, we make decisions and choices.

But there’s a sixth sense, what we call intuition – that immediate understanding of something that lies beyond the sense world.

Think of the last time you had a “gut” feeling about something or someone. You were reacting beyond the realm of what you could see/hear – there was an understanding that just seemed to arise, without conscious thought or action.

Intuition is powerful and useful. It allows individuals to steer through life more effectively; it allows for big, inventive insights; it sets you apart.

How can you boost your intuition? With practice and intentionality and following the simple steps below.

1.     Listen closely

You can’t heighten something that you aren’t aware of. The process of building your intuitive skills begins with careful attention to what is going on around you. You can gather a felt sense from all sort of cues around you – the undercurrent behind the words someone says; or a small movement they make as they speak.

We are all processing this kind of information throughout the day. Bring out your Sherlock – notice as much as you can. It can even help to make notes after an interaction. What did you note? What thoughts/feelings came up?

2.     Locate your signals

Once you have started to sharpen your observational skills, begin to note where you most locate your intuitive or felt sense of something. For many people, the sense is located in the solar plexus, or lower, in the belly. Hence the term “gut” feeling.

3.     Get In tune

Wherever it is for you that you notice these unconscious reactions, learn to attune to that center. Pretty soon it will be as natural as your sense of touch or sight. As you get more in tune with your intuitive self, you will begin to notice even the slightest shifts – picking up a felt sense even earlier than before.

4.     Ground yourself

It can be a little unnerving to be honest – always in tune with your intuition about people and situations. Where you might once have brushed off a semi-conscious reaction, now you are attuning to it. In order to give yourself the strength to listen to and live in this field of awareness, it’s important to remain grounded. You can do this by literally focusing on the grounding of your feet on the floor, or the sense of your seat in a chair, really experiencing your body as solid and rooted. Another method for grounding can be to orient yourself to three things in your surroundings. You can note an object that you see, a sound you hear, something that you can touch. Again, you are placing your body in direct physical relation to your surroundings.

5.     Practice Querying

Now that you are better attuned to your intuition you can begin to actively use it. Instead of only turning to your thinking self in order to find answers you can begin to work with your felt sense.

Try this heart centered meditation (this is also available here https://youtu.be/hmcX3r3lzs4 available as a guided meditation in case you’d rather have guidance through the meditation).

Sit in a quiet, comfortable place where you know you will be undisturbed for a few minutes.

Do the following with eyes closed.

Bring your attention to your body, notice its groundedness. Take note of where your body is touching the floor, your seat. Feel yourself grounded and secure. Scan your body and note where there might be any tension. On an out breath, release any tense, tight spots. You can take a moment to notice these areas and take care of each one with a gentle out breath.

And now, drop your attention to your heart center. Allow the sense of the heart to open and expand. Feel the sweetness of the heart. Know that you are held in this loving heart that is yours.

And, staying in this heart center, ask yourself “what is my deepest knowing right now?”

Stay quiet, alert and open. The heart will answer.

Practice this query regularly and you will find that you become quite in tune with your heart and with an intuition that can lead you in ways that will be surprising and exquisite.

Making Time For What Matters

We live in a time bound world. 24 hours in a day. 7 days in a week. 60 minutes in an hour. And so on. Many of us feel constantly pressed for time — especially now during the pandemic when the boundaries between work and home are blurred. Many of us are juggling managing a household, children AND showing up for work earlier and later; a sense of worry that we should be doing more and more.

How then, to balance what we care about and make sure that we are making time for it?

You can follow Ashley Whillans’ direction to make an overall assessment of whether or not you are a Morgan or a Taylor. Do you make choices more around accruing more money? Or more time? You can think of examples — do you book a direct flight even if it is more expensive? (pretend we can still fly!) Or do you spend a lot of time looking for the best deal on something? Do you prioritize work tasks (starting to check emails ten minutes earlier in the day if you have the time, instead of taking a longer walk)? Understanding these smaller behaviors and choices will give you a better understanding of what your priorities are.

Whillans’ research shows that people who prioritize the value of time over the value of money are happier.

If you want to have more time for pursuing the things you love, how can you do that?

Whillans suggests a time audit. Apparently, Tuesdays are the most “normal” day in the week so she suggests doing your time audit on a Tuesday. (the rebel in me wants to make Tuesdays super cool now) Essentially, she suggests that you look back on your day and think of what key tasks you performed in the morning, midday, mid-afternoon and in the evening. And then she asks you to codify them — did you experience them as pleasant? unpleasant? neutral.

Doing this will help you get a handle on what you are spending your time on and whether it is bringing you satisfaction. From there you can decide how to change your routine to bring you more happiness.

Think of is as a Marie Kondo approach to time management. Hold up your activities and see if they are bringing you joy.

I get it…. we can’t ALL being what we want all the time. BUT we can look at where we might increase our sense of accomplishment.

I look at it as getting a handle on the time leaks. Little actions that add up. Take social media or checking email, or playing an online game. Maybe you are only checking social media once a day (probably not) or maybe you are checking social media whenever you have a little break. Consider how much time this takes. Using my own example — I might check in 4-5 times a day for 5 minutes. 20 minutes right there. That’s one meditation session, one quick walk down to the lake, one warm cup of tea and one chapter of a good book.

Guaranteed that most of us can find extra time. BUT finding this extra time isn’t going to be very rewarding if you can only think that it will let you get that extra pile of laundry done (unless you find real joy in a nice clean, folded pile of laundry — then go for it).

Here’s where the most important aspect of time management comes in…. you have to know what your core purpose is! if you know that you want to devote your time to creating art or writing books that help people change their lives or helping people learn how to get more joy out of life, no matter their circumstances — if you have that kind of direction, then you can direct your time choices more skillfully towards those goals.

Don’t have a sense of what your Core (Soul) Purpose is? Stay tuned for Your Awakened Heart’s latest offering: the Soul Purpose Workbook which offers a self-guided series of contemplative questions and exercises all grounded in meditations and body-centered practices to help you arrive at your “why”.

If you know WHY you are, you can align your actions with your purpose.

It’s worth the time to get it right…. see what I did there?

The paradox of groundedness

When we recognize that we are feeling insecure, unsure, even flighty, we naturally gravitate (pun intended) towards working on regaining a sense of rootedness, security and a reawakening of our understanding of being held by the earth. We turn to ground.

 

How can we regain a sense of stability and security when we feel vulnerable and uncertain?

 

One way is to just sit in a cross-legged position (or in a chair if that is more comfortable for you), and notice where your body is connecting with the floor or the chair. You can sense all of the connection points, feel the weight of your body, feel the familiar pull of gravity on your bones and muscles, your organs. And you can even repeat some grounding phrases – maybe you can name three things that bring a sense of stillness and security. Right now, as I write this, I might say:

 

Feet flat on floor. Back against chair. Arms resting on dining room table. These are all simple physical truths that bring me back from whatever mind loop I might have been following, that bring me back to the here and now.

 

When you sit down to meditate, it’s a good practice to orient yourself like this. Note, the sense of connection to the cushion or chair, note where your body is touching surfaces, note the quality of that connection and allow tension to drop away from the crown of the head to the very base of your pelvis, the perineum.

 

From this sense of groundedness you can begin to explore your energetic structure.

 

Some traditions describe energy centers that run the length of your body, all the way from this root area to the crown of your head. These are called Chakras and have been described and meditated on since at least 500 BC. Some practices identify 7 chakras, some 6, others 5. We can get very caught up in over identifying with one system or another. That, to my mind, is counter-productive.

 

I look at it this way. Our bodies are energetic structures that engage in relation to the wider world (material), people (relationship), the universe (soul/spirit). Focusing on energy centers within our physical structures that then radiate out into or engage with the larger world (whether it is the physical world or the spirit world) gives us deep insight into the nature of our own relationship with, well, everything.

 

In an energetic meditation that is related to our physical body, we can start at the base, the top, our heart, our core – no matter where – we will find access to a deeper reality. And at each energy center, you can drop the labels (this energy center should correspond to this feeling, this one to this) and you can note just how it is for you right now.

You can note physical sensations first, then maybe images that come to mind in association with the energy center. You can allow emotions to interplay with your energy centers – memories may spring up. Whatever comes up, take note, treat your experience with curiosity and friendliness.

 

Allow yourself to be vulnerable to the experience if that feels comfortable for you. You might make a fist and lay the back of your hand on your thigh or a surface and then, as you open to your emotions, slowly and gently open your hand. Until your hand (heart and mind) open to what is. And rest in this moment, even if it is uncomfortable. Allow the thoughts to rise, note their quality, see if they fade or change.

 

If you feel unsafe, you can cradle this open hand in your other hand and you can return to your grounding elements – the body touching the seat or the cushion, the breath moving naturally in and out.

 

A meditation for energetic alignment and connection:

 

 Locate your energy and attention into your root center, the perineum. Then begin to bring your attention to this area, breathing naturally. Allow whatever thoughts, sensations and emotions that come up to arise and fall away. In this way, you can begin to note any imbalances. Maybe there’s a sense of fear when you engage with the very root of your body, maybe a sense of protectiveness. Perhaps you feel strength and power. Whatever it is, can you be open and gentle with your experience? And now, allow a sense of your connection to the earth to infuse your lower body, feel the strength of your connection. Breathe. And moving that sense of power and strength, bring the energy slowly up through the torso, through the heart, up through the throat, to the center just above your eyebrows and now up through the crown of the head. Let the beautiful energy flow up, down and through these areas – each radiating outward and inward. Now, gently increase the level of this energy and bring it up and out the crown of the head as far as you can imagine, up beyond the gravitational field and through the atmosphere. And pull that energy source back down, through your body, down to your root and further beyond, as far below the ground surface and you can travel, into the earth.

And returning back. You can bring this flow up and through yourself several times. Feel the body as beacon, as an energetic field – in relation to all that is. And now, take a few deeper breaths and note the solidity of your body, the top of the skull as strong and secure, the root of the body in the same way. Take a moment to recreate your boundaries, understanding that you are part of a larger system AND an organic body that moves and breathes and interacts here on the ground.

 

Taking Stock

It’s that time of year when we are called to look back, take stock of the year and intentionally focus on what we want moving forward.

For years now, I’ve not made “New Year’s Resolutions”, knowing that most people lose their motivation by sometime in mid to late February. Yes, I do think through changes I’d like to make. BUT I do so with compassion for myself and an understanding that I probably can’t lose all the weight, work out 5x a week, write a chapter a week, become vegan (feel free to insert whatever sky high goal you have here.)

There’s something to be said (a lot, actually) for self-acceptance. Much of our desire to make changes within ourselves comes from a place of aggression.

What if, instead, we were able to acknowledge that real change is hard and that the motivation actually MUST come from a place of true connection and happiness?

What if, instead, we didn’t just focus on ourselves but looked at the great world around us and asked ourselves how we might make change in the world?

2020 aside, there was already quite enough change required to keep our planet, our future and the future of all beings safe and secure.

In Loving Kindness meditation, we begin with ourselves, knowing that we must wish ourselves happiness, safety, well-being and peace before we can genuinely wish that for others. The last repetition of the meditation asks for the happiness, security, well-being and peace for ALL beings. To be honest, whenever I say “may all beings be healthy in body and in mind,” especially in this time, I feel a real pang. How can I make this real? How can I go beyond wishing others well?

And, so, this year, not only am I taking the measure of my personal goals and aspirations, I am making a conscious decision about how I want to support others.

Yes, I do this through Your Awakened Heart (in fact, for me, the utmost goal of Your Awakened Heart is to bring a sense of awakening and compassion to others) but can I extend change to people I may never meet?

This year, I have committed to givegoodwell.com and am focusing a good portion of my charitable giving to the most effective charities in the world. The concept behind Effective Altruism is that we can focus on the most effective charities, make a pledge to give away a certain portion or our incomes and do it automatically, so that we aren’t bound by our emotions. You can read more about that game-changing philosophy.

If we each chip away at solving the problems that are plaguing us (pun intended), we can change the world.

Be the change you want to see.

May you be happy, secure, well and at peace. And, really, who gives a hoot about those extra five pounds?

Encountering Difficulties in Meditation

Practicing Meditation is a proven way to unwind your brain with all it’s looping and circular thoughts. We are told to take a seat, close our eyes and become aware of our breath.

Many of us are really surprised at what comes next. There’s so much activity in our minds! Thoughts we may have been unaware of now come springing forward. It’s very busy in there.

The usual instruction for this “problem” is generally:

It’s actually NOT a problem. Everyone encounters this. And, in fact, even experienced meditators find their minds hurrying down looping paths in the midst of a meditation. As Sharon Salzberg says, the moment that you become aware that you have been carried away with your thoughts is the moment of real insight.

So, rather than being frustrated by the thoughts, you can see them as little opportunities. To come back again and again.

And, you will notice as you continue to practice with kind curious and open attention, that the constancy of the thoughts is interrupted.

One student said to me that the idea of being away from her stream of thoughts was very alarming. She felt she might disappear.

Maybe this is a fear you have as well. I know when i first began to explore the deep stillness and emptiness that can come during meditation that I felt some fear as well. What might arrive in my thought’s stead?

What I found was difficult to express in words. But, essentially, it is.

1. always there

2. always available

3. spacious, open and accessible awareness beyond the idea of a small “me”

Calm and Joy

We don’t have to go anywhere special to experience calm and joy — even in the midst of the uncertainty and concern many of us are feeling right now.

It is a matter of approach and practice.

First, the approach. If we are feeling stressed and are impatient with our ability to just “calm down”, that in itself, is aggressive and not helpful. Instead, can we consider a more compassionate approach to our troubles?

Try this. Take your left hand and make a tight fist. Hold it. Now, take your right hand and try to pry the fingers of your left fist apart. It doesn’t work does it? In fact, you probably feel the tightness and strain of the action. This is how taking a critical and aggressive approach to our own change can feel.

Now…. make a fist with your left hand once again and this time take your right hand, palm open. Allow the right hand to be a balm, a gentle, soothing hand. And place it gently around your left fist. Can you feel the loosening? Can you feel how this more compassionate approach to the left hand, gives you more freedom? Soothes?

You can use this physical exercise to remind you of the way that a compassionate and caring approach can bring you more calm and joy. And that compassion can then extend to all those around you.

Next, the practice. There are many practices to allow us to experience more calm and joy in the midst of our day, this is just one.

I call it the “my happy place” meditation.

Read through the following and then try it on your own.

Settling yourself in a comfortable seated or lying down position, close your eyes. And just breathe naturally for a few cycles. Maybe deepen the out breath to bring a sense of calm and stillness. Now…. imagine a place (it can be real or imaginary) that brings you a true sense of happiness. Can you see the light? What is the scenery like? Are there others with you or are you alone? Whatever the place is for you, fill it with enough detail to give you a sense of connection to the place.

And now allow the joy that this place brings you to suffuse through your body. Where do you feel opening? Perhaps you feel your heart blooming, your throat opening, your shoulders dropping. Whatever this feeling of happiness is for you in your body, take note.

You can, through practice, learn how to reenter this “map of joy” in your body at any time.

Come and practice with us!

Deepening our sense of gratitude

In a year like no other, we still give thanks. Even in the midst of pain and fear most of us can find something to be grateful for.

Maybe it’s the fact that we are healthy, that we are secure. Maybe, if we are sick, it is the fact that we have been able to draw this breath. And then this one.

Whatever it is, gratitude, as David Whyte says “is not a passive response to something we have been given, gratitude arises from paying attention, from being awake in the presence of everything that lives within and without us.”

And it is true. Even for those of us who do not formally pray, gratitude is a kind of prayer, a way of being in the world and understanding that we can usually find something to be grateful for.

We can also create moments of gratitude. Deciding to stop for a moment and make yourself a healing cup of tea, you can be grateful for the water that flows from the faucet into your kettle. You can be thankful for the fuel or energy that warms the water and thankful for the tea blend, the leaves swirling as you pour the water into a favorite cup. You can be grateful for the aroma of the tea and the sweet steam that comes up. Each moment a blessing.

Understanding how many hands it takes to bring food to your table is another way to bring gratitude to your daily life. During the pandemic, our interconnectedness and dependence on a whole network of growers, pickers, packers, drivers, grocers came to a very real light. That labor to bring us our food has always been there but for many of us it just seemed the natural order of things — that we could pop into the store and grab a few things for dinner. Even if we understood on some level that the food doesn’t magically appear on the shelves, or that others may not be food secure as we are, we certainly took a lot for granted.

Not any more.

In many ways, the terror of the pandemic has brought us beautiful understanding as well — that we are (most of us) not at all self-sufficient, that we depend on so many others to have food and basic necessities. Maybe we learned that some of those “basics” aren’t quite as necessary as we imagined.

Being alive, being part of this beautiful mess we call life, is a tremendous privilege.

Let us give thanks.

Join us on Sundays for Meditation and Calming Yoga: https://www.yourawakenedheart.com/sunday-meditation-yoga-class/sunday-meditation-amp-yoga-class-1

Letting Go - a poem

Today in meditation

There was deep quiet.

There was quiet joy lifting

the corners of the mouth

and the knowing that this too,

this happiness and quiet peace

is also to be noted as it is,

as it eventually fades.

Identification with emotions and thoughts

like training wheels

to be removed as they once were

on a late spring day in the driveway.

Excitement, fear, pride, anticipation.

And off you go on your new

wild ride,

wobbling down the middle

of the old quiet road.

Patience

Patience is a practice. Patience is not to be put on and off like a cozy sweater.

Patience is the slow tree outside your window. Think of an acorn, the promise of an acorn. And the one whitish shoot probing the earth – asking its question.

“Can you and I, acorn and earth, co-exist. Can you support my great height, my spreading branches, my questing roots?”

And if the earth can respond, and if the skies open and give water and a squirrel doesn’t come.

Then there’s a sapling. Then there’s a tree.

Whenever you are feeling impatient with the pace of your progress for the change you want or for your plans to come about, or for whatever is going on to be over already, look at the situation with the slow time eyes of the tree.

Stand rooted and secure in the palm of the earth. Raise your branches to the light. And breathe in with all your being.

Breathe in peace, breathe out healing for all that is around you.

Cultivating Foundations of Mindfulness: Non-Judging

Non-judging helps with being here just now. As you are. This centered, grounding stance allows us to proceed into our practice. Our practice is not just when we sit on the cushion, it is with us all the time. Non-judging allows us to experience the everyday without separating ourselves through whatever narrative our judgmental thoughts might concoct.

If you still yourself and take note of your mindstream you will quickly discover that a great deal of your ongoing internal chatter is judging.

As an experiment, next time you go to the grocery store pay careful attention to your thoughts. Start in the parking lot.

It might go something like this: I can’t park in my usual spot. Or even my row. Wow! It’s crowded.  If it’s this crowded in the parking lot imagine what it’s like inside. This is going to be irritating. It also doesn’t feel super safe in these COVID times.

If you notice in this example, there is of course, a valid and necessary use for judgment. It helps you to choose a parking space and perhaps you choose to come back another, less crowded time when you might feel safer. But once you lay in another judgment, start telling a story with the thinking – oh, it’s going to be crowded, I’m going to have a bad time – I don’t feel safe. Well, then you are entering into discursive, not-helpful thinking.

Of course, we need to choose wisely throughout our lives. Once inside the store you might take a pack of chocolate chip cookies because you like them better than oatmeal. Or you might grab some fuji apples because you really don’t like granny smiths. But, in the choosing do you notice other, unhelpful judgmental thoughts?

Oh, I shouldn’t be getting these cookies! I need to lose 5 pounds. I’m getting off track. I wish I was more motivated and so on and so forth. Before you know it, you’ve gone down a maybe familiar but certainly unhelpful path.

We’ve been judging since the dawn of man. Those of us who were wise judges – that’s a tiger, back off. These same berries were tasty last time I found them. Oh wait, these berries are a little different, they have a white center and the birds have left them on the bushes. I’ll steer clear. Those judgments kept us alive and stronger, and eventually to the choice of a good mate which led to the survival of our genes. It is the natural order of things.

Judgments have an important and deeply seated place in our lives. It is the secondary set of stories we lay on that can get us into trouble. These subplots seem to spring unbidden from some unknown place deep inside; often we find ourselves reacting to different situations with the same over-arching narrative that we’ve always told ourselves. We don’t stop to inquire whether or not the judgment is helpful/true. We are so used to thinking in this way. We simply continue on.

So many of our judgments about fellow humans are based on bias, for example. We tend to feel more friendly to those we know or with whom we feel a similarity. So, when we do encounter people who are different or unknown it is often our impulse to label and to judge. We can and do get caught in all sorts of discursive thinking and narratives about the “other” when we begin with a bias.

Taken in a larger context, when entire groups of people form judgements about one another without taking time to understand or investigate the truth, broad, long-standing and deeply entrenched discord results – racism, wars – all the ways we discount and destroy one another.

Given all that, and assuming we don’t find it useful to engage in divisive and violent behavior how do we take the useful aspect of judging (remember the tiger?) and drop the destructive, non-helpful aspects?

As always, we start with an awareness of the thinking. Note when we are heading into a stream of thoughts. Note if there’s a sense of being hooked by the thoughts. Often the awareness in and of itself can bring us back to a less reactive place.  

And we can bring discernment to bear. Discernment gives us the ability to make a choice or distinction but doesn’t lead us down a judgmental path.

Let’s go back to the grocery store and the produce aisle. Back to the apples. Many grocery stores carry a wide array of choices. Fuji, Pink Lady, Gala, Braeburn, Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Granny Smiths. Organic varieties of most of the above.

Just here we are quickly filtering and choosing. Some of us may make our choice around whether or not the produce is organic, others might select for price. No matter the decision, there is generally some sort of decision. You make that decision by assessing and acting. This is discernment, there is no added layer of: I buy organic, the rest of these people are destroying the planet. Or, I can only afford the apples that are on sale, these rich people around me have no idea what it’s like to have to shop on a budget. They are thoughtless. They have it so easy.

Now we have veered from the helpful activity of discerning the situation and making a considered decision to deciding we are surrounded by a sea of wealthy, thoughtless, unsympathetic apple shoppers. This is just one example of how our minds, spinning unhelpful stories about a common task, can trip us up. Can create suffering.

There you are standing in front of those beautiful, gleaming apples, seething with resentment because of some concocted story.

Instead, can you note the coolness of the apple as you touch it? Can you feel the weight of it in your hand? It’s firmness? Now you are in the moment.

 Non-judging allows us to experience the everyday without separating ourselves through whatever narrative our judgmental thoughts might create.

You can see that going about our day with discernment as opposed to judging is helpful.

How about in our formal practice? Here, too, non-judging is a crucial attitude.

As Jon Kabat-Zinn says in his book “Full Catastrophe Living”

         “When practicing mindfulness, it is important to recognize this judging quality of mind when it appears and to intentionally assume the stance of an impartial witness.”

In other words, as you sit and meditate, if you find yourself judging the experience (this is boring when will it end?) your sensations (my foot is asleep again. I really am not any good at this) etcetera, become aware of the judging, note that it is happening. There is no need to stop or reject the thinking – rejection is just another form of judging. Simply note it.

During simple breath meditation, we often note our minds and their crazy stories. The mind will spin a tale whenever it can. This is normal. Even seasoned meditators find themselves caught up.

The instruction is to simply return to the breath. To note the distraction. It is NOT to think critically about your ineptitude. Doing so, not only continues the distraction through the judging but, frankly, you are berating yourself for a perfectly human quality…. The discursive mind.

So, sit and be kind to yourself. Walk in the world and think kindly of others. And breath. Be free in the knowledge that this moment, right now is what you have. And that you, in this moment, are just right as you are.

Release and Relief

There are some basic truths about life that many of us struggle with:

1.     We Are Not in Control

2.     Life Isn’t Fair

3.     Letting Go is the Key

In driving class they tell you to steer into a skid, which doesn’t seem logical. And, yet, there I’ve been on a slippery Northern Ohio road in the dead of winter starting into a skid, following the instructions, feeling like there’s nothing between me and whatever comes next but my loose hands on the wheel and my racing heart.

Not in control. We live in fluidity and chaos also known as a normal morning.  Sun comes up. Good. The coffee is its great hot self. A text from my boss – another crisis. One which I didn’t create but that I need to “handle”. So, I begin the drill. Emails, calls, and so on. All the time, my mind working to wrap whatever is happening into some sort of an understandable narrative. One that I can have some chance of affecting.

We all do this. We tell ourselves stories. We want a logical world. We want to believe that we can control our experience.

“We can plan, we can care for, tend and respond. But we cannot control. Instead, we take a breath, and open to what is unfolding, where we are.”

 Jack Kornfield.

We want to badly to feel that we can have some control over what happens next. And, of course, we can impact some things some of the time.

Most of us are just trying to do the right thing, hoping that if we control our response and conform to expectations, we will see a good result for our efforts.

But, of course, that’s not how it happens. I can obey all the traffic laws all the time and still get side-swiped by a car speeding through a red light.

This is where #2 comes into play. Life isn’t fair. Consider the difference in the life and opportunity that comes the way of a child who just happens to be born in a wealthy suburb in America versus one born in poverty.

I wonder when the right time is to break the general unfairness of life to your kid? Imagine sitting a little four-year old down and explaining to him that he’ll probably struggle in one way or another throughout his life? Frankly, I can barely manage to say this to my 30-year old son now.

I wish I’d know when I was a young mother/woman what I know now. I might have had that little sit down with my boys when they were ten. Old enough to hear and understand the nuance. That bad things happen no matter what – and that the best we can do is learn how to be resilient, how to get back up when we fall.

Here are some things I know now about resilience. It’s not about being tough. Tough is veneer.

Tough is (usually) a lie covering a scared self.

Resilience is about looking at that scared self, letting it have all the feels it needs without coming entirely apart and then? Going on anyway. In the face of it.

“Resilience is more available to people curious about their own line of thinking and behaving.” Brene Brown

Resilience is earned through experience and trial (and error). And it grows as we practice facing our sad, scared, hurt, mad selves and moving on.

How to move on?

Paradoxically, by letting go. Next time you are up against something take a careful look at all the unpleasantness. How much of that is co-created by your own reaction to whatever is happening?

But, you say, I should be pissed at that person who just jumped into the express lane in the grocery store with 40 cans of catfood, and at least 20 more items. Maybe? But holding that emotion just ties YOU into knots.

“How sad it is that we become so expert at causing harm to ourselves and others. The trick then is to practice gentleness and letting go. We can learn to meet whatever arises with curiosity and not make it such a big deal.”

Pema Chodron

How would it feel to not worry? Not to hold onto anger? Do you even know?

Even if you don’t, you can practice this:

Notice when you get stressed out or irritated by something. Open yourself to the emotions, physical sensations – whatever comes up in this moment. In that awareness, practice letting it go.

It’s a feather you can blow. A balloon you can let rise up and away. A leaf you can watch float downstream. It’s not you or yours. It never was.

5 Steps to morning calm

Some years ago, I was having lunch with a close friend who is also an experienced meditator and mindfulness teacher.

“What is the first thought that pops into your head when you wake up?” I asked.

I was wondering because I had decided a few days earlier to really note what my morning thoughts were. And it wasn’t pretty. Some days I woke up and literally groaned. Once I said, “oh shit.” Another day was a little better – I think I said “all right” as my feet hit the floor.

But obviously, none of this was the most inspired or hopeful way to start a day.

My friend took a thoughtful sip of tea…. “It’s never very positive. Usually, just a sort of groan or a sigh.”

I shared my experience. And we both just looked at each other. If this was our experience – two women who take the time every morning to meditate and contemplate – how is it for others?

And… if you start off your day with a groan, a sigh or an expletive, how are you setting yourself up for the rest of the day?

We decided then and there to give ourselves a morning challenge – to be mindful of our morning thoughts and actions and to take the time to create a positive intention for the rest of the day.

After several weeks, I came away feeling calmer, more positive and more refreshed for the rest of my day.

Here are the five things that I found worked for me.

!. Getting up a little earlier.

I’m not talking about an hour, — even fifteen minutes gives you enough time and space to create a more intentional, calm morning. But as the time changes rolls around this fall, why not use that “extra” hour to wake up half an hour earlier?

2. Assess your mind state before you do anything (including getting out of bed)

Are you feeling tired? Slightly agitated? Balanced? Whatever you are noting, you can use your breath even before you get out of bed to achieve a calm, balanced state. If you are feeling sluggish, draw an in breath that is longer than your exhale. So, maybe breathe in for a count of four and out for two. Repeat this for three to four cycles. You should feel the energy begin to flow. If you are feeling agitated you can reverse the count… breathe in for 3-4 counts and out for 6-8. Again, do this for 3-4 cycles. Note how this brings you to a calmer state. If you are feeling neutral just do a 3-4 cycle of balanced, even and conscious breathing.

3. Meditate (do it!)

            Having a regular meditation practice, even if it is just 8-10 minutes a day is proven to increase your resilience and calm.  Set up a meditation space that is quiet and soothing. It can be as simple as a cushion or a chair in the corner of a room. Make sure your phone is off and that you can be undisturbed for the allotted time

If you are looking for a simple introduction to meditation, check out my book, Just Breathe. Try to stick to a daily meditation practice. But if for some reason you miss a day no worries – just return to the practice the following day.

I use the Insight Meditation Timer app (it’s free) to time my meditations.

4. Contemplative reading and journaling

            Maybe you have noticed that so far NONE of the steps to a calm morning include checking your phone or computer?  That may be the most difficult part of this new routine – we are so used to making sure “nothing happened” overnight.  Rest assured. Stuff did happen. But it’s probably not going to be so earth-shattering or life-changing that another 15 minutes away from your screens is going to alter the course of your life (or, let’s be honest, even your day).

            Starting your day off by reading something meaningful and contemplative really helps set the tone for the rest of your day. It gives your mind and your heart space to just “be” – to think without expectation from anyone else; to explore.

            Here are some books that I keep for just this moment:

                        Thoreau’s unabridged journals; Mary Oliver’s poems, Seven Thousand Ways to Listen by Mark Nepo; Consolations by David Whyte.

            Whether the reading spurs a thought or not, take a few moments to write in your journal (you have a journal don’t you?:)

            You can write whatever you feel like of course but writing down an intention for your day is a nice way to start the rest of the day.

5. Gratitude

            Either in your journal or just to yourself -- state one thing that you are already grateful for this morning. It could be something as simple as the feel of the pen in your hand, or the glimpse of the sky through the window. Whatever it is, take note and give thanks. Give thanks to yourself for this intentional, calm start to your day.

Take several quiet breaths and move slowly from your seated position, to standing. Center yourself. It’s time to begin….

For more ways to alleviate stress, please consider our NEW course: Coping With Chronic Stress

Judgment - can we drop it?

Judging a situation, a person… can serve us well and has done since the beginning of humankind. Knowing that a tiger is dangerous and a dog is (likely) kind kept us alive. And there continue to be moments when we need to be able to quickly judge, make a call and act.

But pay attention to your inner monologue and you might be surprised at the judgmental thinking…it can take the form of self-criticism (i look silly/fat/tired/insert word of choice) or criticism of others (it makes me nuts when she does x/y/z) or (she looks skinnier/tired/plumper). No matter the words, the point is that in judging we are actually separating ourselves from the other and from the truth of ourselves.

And in separating we are building walls, real or imagined. Leaving politics aside, creating separation rather than understanding and openness to another’s experience and expression leaves us lonely and retracted.

But by working on awareness of our critical thinking, we can drop the judgment. Here’s a very concrete example of how judging something can actually make it worse.

Next time you feel pain (emotional or physical), note what happens when you wish it wasn’t there; wasn’t happening. You actually make the pain worse AND you create a whole other narrative about your pain.

Instead, you might try noting your sensations and thoughts without actually judging the experience. Knee pain might be “throbbing” or “burning” instead of “my knee is killing me, I wish it would just stop. I’m so tired of this,” etc… You might notice with the first approach that the sensations are not actually one long continuous experience of pain; in fact you might note that the sensations change and morph and even lessen.

Same with anger. if you really observe “anger” you will see that it is actually almost impossible to be truly angry for more than a few brief moments. The emotion moves and flows, becomes hurt, fear, sadness, want.

Life is complicated! Let it in without judging (or in fact pre-judging) your experience and see how full your moments are. How they aren’t what you think. Can this new perspective open you up to more?

No Control

When many of us sit down to meditate the first thing we notice is that we can’t hold onto the stillness most of us are seeking.

One or two breaths in and that trickster mind is off and running. Back to the breath – maybe a centered second or so and then, again, off we go to make to-do lists or run virtual errands or rehash a long -ago conversation.

A student tells me she can’t meditate because whenever she sits, her mind churns with all the undone things. I say, ‘no problem’ that is meditation.

Last year, my sons’ father was diagnosed with early, severe dementia. This is not something your recover from. And my mind was swamped with tortuous memories of how this man once was – so verbal, engaging, full of stories and experiences most of us can only dream of – visiting the tin shack with Rita Marley where Bob wrote No Woman, No Cry; backstage with Bruce discussing The River, or Beckett with Bono. Etc…so many backstage conversations, books written, tours around the world. All mostly forgotten.  He was reduced to walking circles around the perimeter of the memory unit. And then, of course, he died — a lamp blowing over in my bedroom at three am quite suddenly and with no explanation. Except that that is when he died.

I have experienced the deepest, most painful feelings, wanting it to be otherwise. Agony.

All of my own making. Because the sadness is real, yes. This is certainly something to be sad about. But I am compounding the sadness by holding onto something that is gone.

Like wishing ice cream didn’t melt or flowers wouldn’t every fade, that my hair might not keep going gray.

We are set to die and fade as soon as we take our first breath.

The lesson of meditation is exactly this. You cannot hold onto anything, not even the idea that this moment of clarity and stillness will necessarily be followed by another. There are no sure bets.

This is no small lesson. It is one to be learned over and over on your cushion. Observing with friendly curiosity just how fickle your mind is – coming back to the breath, your home, your anchor. See that there really is nothing hold onto. Yes, your breath is what you can return to, but it too changes.

In this uncertainty can we find peace?

The illusion that we can control or fix a difficult situation is as wrong as it is painful. But letting go is NOT to stop engaging or caring. In this case, letting go is like the maybe apocryphal story of the guru who said – “I can’t stop the waves but I can learn to surf.”

And so, the waves crash and pull back from the shore. The water is cold and wild.

I’m no surfer but I am a strong swimmer. I raise my head above the waves and take a long breath.

You can too.