Letting Go
The Buddha taught that all life is suffering. Only he didn’t really say that. True, all life is “dukkha” is the first of his four Noble Truths. Dukkha is translated as suffering but there are deeper meanings behind the word. Meanings such as insubstantiality and impermanence. The more complex meaning and the one we have no exact word for is that life is always changing – there is nothing fixed to “hold” onto. And if we cannot live in that flux, if we cannot immerse ourselves in that fluid river coursing who knows where, then we suffer.
You must know people (perhaps you are this person) who declare their lives difficult, who insist they want change and yet who remain fixed in their ideas and concepts about their condition. Thus, staying in exactly the same place they are complaining about. This is not to say that there aren’t very real and difficult conditions that we face day in and day out. But, if a prisoner who has no hope of parole can find peace and understanding, (and there are many examples of this) then can’t we try for the same in our much less constrained and abject life?
There’s an often told story about two ex POWS from Vietnam meeting each other again after many years. The one says to the other, “How are you? Have you been able to move on from that time?” And the other replies, “No, I have not forgiven my captors.” The first man says. “then you are still in prison.”
Ultimately, any negative emotion that we experience again and again is one that has us on its hook. We are trapped.
So, how can we find release?
The RAIN meditation technique is a great way to approach this. RAIN stands for:
Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Nurture
First, we have to actually notice that we are having the negative emotion. This sounds obvious, but some of these feelings are so familiar, they are like the pair of socks we still put on even though there’s a hole in the sole. Not so nice – but we are used to them. So, we go ahead and use them. In any case, holey socks aside, the point is to see the negative emotion arising. And, rather than rejecting it, we allow it to present itself. Again, you really can’t do much about something if you keep shoving it aside. In fact, one of my favorite ways to approach a familiar, unwanted and, frankly, dreary response to something is to say “hello, old friend. I know you.” Granted, I don’t usually say this aloud (!) but I do say it to myself and it helps deflate the whole thing. This moves the response from Letting Go, which can have a negative connotation to more of a Letting Be. We aren’t trying to get rid of the thought, we are just giving it enough space so that we can actively work with it.
Next up? Investigation. This is the curious, open mind that is encouraged in meditation practice. Rather than pushing the thought/emotion away, we spend some time considering how it feels in our body, what other thoughts follow on the first thought. Maybe we look at what it is a common pattern for us. The point is not to add to the negative thought by dumping on ourselves (why am I like this?) or others (they are so irritating!) – that sort of response just doubles down on the negative thought.
Then, we nurture. Not the thought itself, but ourselves or perhaps, if the thought arises from a situation between yourself and other (s) you can bring compassion to the situation. Really expressing compassion for yourself in the moment helps deflate the situation.
“But, this thought is real and the situation is not good, I will never change it if I don’t experience it,” you say. Maybe. Maybe not. You don’t know how sticky and intractable a situation is until you have taken a quiet, patient and compassionate look at it.
Give it a try. Let it RAIN.
