A friend bemoaned that she was struggling to find joy. Her life felt like a series of must-dos and reactions to the needs of others. She longed for the simple feeling of a good belly laugh (this friend has an amazing, infectious laugh) or for the float of a beautiful dance move, the body meeting music in the most natural, open way.
Listening to her, it occurred to me that when I read through or fill out one of those questionnaires that gives you a snapshot of your current life, the sense of play or joy is also my most undeveloped aspect. This is not to say that I would define myself as unhappy - not at all. But, I do miss that sense of spontaneity and fun. It definitely feels as if it recedes with age. When we begin our coaching engagement with new clients, we ask them to take a look at different aspects of their lives, including a sense of fun and play. Quite often, this is the first thing to drop when we get busy — our jobs/family obligations take over and we don’t feel we can give ourselves permission to do the one thing that makes us truly alive. Our clients reflect this back to us as well. They wish for the connection that joy brings.
Children (if they are well-adjusted and safe) express joy and wonder all the time. And its not just because everything is new to them. I danced in the summer rain happily when I was ten - certainly not the first time I experienced rain! Where did that spontaneity go?
Mind Games
So. What to do? First it’s very important to become aware of a) what you find pleasant and b) what you find unpleasant. This is basic mindfulness - following the observation that our mind categorizes all experience into pleasant/unpleasant and neutral. Test this out for yourself and you will see it’s true.
Then, as you begin to watch your reactions to daily activities, you may find that it is not the activity that is unpleasant or neutral, it is your mind and what is going on in your thoughts that actually creates a general sense of unpleasantness. For example, I usually enjoy cooking. I’m good at it, people appreciate my food and it can be a true joy to chop, stir, taste, smell, etc. But, even in the midst of an activity that, on the face of it, I would say I enjoy, I find my mind rushing ahead to the next thing that needs to be done. I’m not even present. And, in the course of not being present to anything but my mind stream of must-do/what’s next, I create a very unpleasant experience. To the point where I actually can find myself resenting and disliking cooking (because it’s taking me away from the next thing, which I will then probably engage in, thinking about what is next after that. Never living in the moment.) I have found that if I collect myself, take a breath and return to the activity at hand, I can experience pleasure right there. Ask yourself — is there a regular activity that I do (cooking/gardening/walking) that I have allowed to be “just one more thing” instead of really being present? Coming back again and again to the moment, to your awareness of the moment, even if it seems mundane, will bring you more happiness.
Try The Joy Workout
How about adding a fun little “joy workout” to your daily routine? This workout featured in The New York Times was developed by a psychotherapist and based on research around the physical movements that engender joy in the heart and mind. If you’ve read any of our work or taken any of our classes, you know that we encourage a tending to heart/mind/body/spirit and that we believe that all are entwined and need support/tending in order for us to live fully and freely (and joyfully!). My cousin, who is a Critical Care Pulmonologist did this joy workout every morning as she navigated her way through the horrors of the pandemic. She meditated too. She was busy saving her life — not just her patients’s lives. She credits both practices with getting her through. So try this and see if it doesn’t lift your heart.
Gratitude Practice
Finally — get real about gratitude. As we’ve said before, gratitude and engendering it is one of the key ways of building a sense of well-being. To find joy, we really need a solid ground of well-being - otherwise, we may seek “joy” through unwholesome/unhealthy moves. Take the time, every day (morning or evening) to write down 3 things you are grateful for and why. Notice the beautiful change this makes in just a few days. It really works.
It’s The Little Things
Ok, a couple more things (sorry!) - look for the little things. Try singing out loud in the car - turn that music up really loud! Listen to comedy. If you once played an instrument, pick it back up. If you didn’t, crank up the music and play some air guitar! Got get some bubbles from the store and blow bubbles just to do it. Use your imagination!
Joy can be practiced and tended. And it’s not a sign that your life is boring or terrible that you need to do a little work to find joy. It only means that sometimes we need to work for something that makes your heart sing. I think of the poet Mary Oliver who went out every day with a pad and a pencil, actively seeking the wonder of the world. She knew the importance of capturing the exquisite moments. You can do this too! Take a breath, take small actions. Open up. Let yourself go.