I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.
Carl Jung
So true. In fact, if you just close your eyes and let that sentence sink in, doesn’t it feel as if a weight has lifted? This idea of choosing our life, of choosing how we show up every day and how we get beyond whatever might be holding us back is the core of our work at Your Awakened Heart.
But, you say, I am in constant pain. I carry sorrow on my shoulders. I can’t let go of it.
Consider this. Pour a tablespoon of salt into a half-cup measure and taste. It’s undrinkable and awful, right? Take that same tablespoon and pour it into a gallon of water. Just a bit better, no? Now, imagine a pure spring-fed lake. The water reflecting the blue sky. And, you, just now with your tablespoon of salt. Go ahead and pour. Now, dip in and taste.
The capacity of your container directly relates to bitterness of your experience.
Now the question becomes, how do we grow our capacity to experience the difficulties we face?
It seems illogical since mostly we just want to turn away, get on with it, or deny but the first step is just noticing – noticing how old pains and sorrows might be rising up for you. A quick note – turning away or denying that you are experiencing something painful only works for so long. Think of that tiny seed just waiting to sprout through the crack in the pavement, or water seeping around a rock as it finds its path. It is the same with our pain. It will out.
The second is to offer yourself some compassion. It never helps to beat yourself up even if you are tired of your old song and dance (This again? Really?) The best thing you can do is offer the kind of support and sweetness that a dear friend might. In fact, if you don’t feel much like being nice to yourself, imagine that dear friend. Let them do the talking. Absorb the sweetness of their kindness and let yourself relax. You are opening up and giving yourself more space to work with your frustration/pain/sorrow.
The third is to be curious. Imagine yourself as a sort of scientist of your own mind. Here is this situation or memory or whatever it is that you are looking at. How does it come up? What triggers you? How do you feel it in your body? In your heart? Continue to observe the sensations. Can you feel any changes? Can you note that, just as a cloud skims across the sky, so can your reactions to a situation mutate and change? If you pay careful attention to even the strongest anger, you will see that it is almost impossible to stay consistently angry. More likely, when you observe closely, you will note that mixed in there is the softness of wanting, the vulnerability of fear, the courage of conviction. It’s just more complex and, therefore, more workable. You might discover that there is more space for you to operate in. Maybe, even in the midst of pain, you can uncover a new truth.
Finally, can you begin to see what might be a healthy way forward? Perhaps you need to step back from a situation or a relationship? Maybe you need to be clearer about your needs. Maybe you need to pull in other resources to help.
Here’s another mental exercise to help you think of how to get through. Imagine picking up a rock. Squeeze it has hard as you can. Feel the intensity of the pain and the immutability of the rock. That’s how it is with your pain and sorrow. Closing in on it and gripping as tight as you can will only create more pain. It’s time to open and really see what it is that you are not letting go of.